Welcome back to the Lover’s Circle. It has been a full week, and while I’m finally prevailing over some nasty congestion, I am so excited to dive back into Sobonfu Somé’s The Spirit of Intimacy.
More Than Just Two
The first thing I highlighted was a quote about how marriage brings together multiple lines of ancestors, cultures, and ways of looking at the world. I love that Sobonfu acknowledges we won’t always see the world the same way. It’s impossible! We grew up differently.
My partner and I are a perfect example: they are very black and white, while I comfortably live in the gray area. But because we are equally yoked, we are open to each other’s perspectives. Their clarity has actually helped me get better at taking a stand when I need to.
Why I’m Going to the Mat
I’ll admit, in my early 20s, I thought the idea of divining for a relationship was crazy. I thought I could just figure it out as I went. But present-day? I’m going to the mat. I’m consulting the Orisha, Ifa, and my ancestors (Egungun) before I take any plunge.
I think about my ex-fiance—who was, frankly, a crock of shit—and the years of pain and turmoil I endured. While I don’t consider that time wasted because of the lessons learned, I do wonder what my life would look like if I had divined on it first. We choose our lessons before we arrive on Earth, but we don’t always choose the how, and I think consultation with Spirit could have saved me a lot of grief.
The Beauty of Separate Spaces
One of the most interesting parts of Chapter 7 is how men and women in the village share a compound but often sleep in separate quarters to empower one another and avoid imbalance.
This resonates so much with the current conversation in the West about partners choosing not to cohabitate. Honestly, I get it. Statistics show that living with a man often adds an extra seven hours of labor for a wife. Plus, let’s be real: I am way more productive when my spouse isn’t home! When they’re around, my “independent woman” goes on vacation, and I just want to doom scroll or do puzzles together. Having that space to lock in and do your own work is vital.
The Vetting Process vs. Romance
In an indigenous context, romance isn’t the guide to marriage; instead, partners are chosen because their true identities, strengths, and weaknesses are known. This is actually something I really enjoy within the kink community—the vetting process.
Before the romance even starts, we talk about values, likes, dislikes, and where we might clash. The romance is just an added tidbit on top of a foundation of real intimacy.
The Grand Scale: It’s Not an I Relationship
Sobonfu writes that the two people joining in marriage are almost a minor incident compared to the tribes and families coming together. This takes so much pressure off the couple to be these extraordinary pillars immediately.
It reminds me that my relationship isn’t an “I” relationship, it’s a “we” relationship that extends to the whole village. That’s why the mentorship from elders shouldn’t stop at the wedding. The wedding is just Day One; it’s the beginning, not the destination. As she states,” Hearing from elders that the road isn’t paved with pearls and gold helps us remove those unrealistic expectations from our marriage baskets.”
Anatomy is Sacred Geometry
Sobonfu Somé says something on the very first page of this chapter that stopped me in my tracks: When we recognize we are spirits in human bodies, we start to see the body not just as a source of physical attraction, but as a shrine.
If you’ve read my work on Erotic Essence, you know I call the body an altar. But let me get nerdy for a second: the more I learn about anatomy—about how cells, protons, and electrons pile together to create us—the more I’m convinced that nothing is ordinary. When I look at the inner workings of my lungs, I see the same patterns as tree branches. When I look at the universe, I see the same scattered connectivity of our own nervous systems.
Science and spirituality aren’t separate technologies to me. They are two ways of describing the same miracle. Recognizing that you, and the person getting on your last nerve, are magnificent spirits having a human experience is a healing modality in itself. (It also helps me not cuss people out as much!)
Sexual Energy is Creative Energy
The Dagara people believe that sex isn’t just a means of pleasure; it’s a journey or a traveling with someone to an unknown place. They don’t even have a specific word for sex. They see it as a ritual to raise healing energy for everything around them.
When we step into sacred space with a partner, we are creating something. Sobonfu notes that a couple enters this space by first admitting they don’t know what they’re doing, allowing Spirit to be the teacher. I love that. Even as someone who has researched, taught sex ed, and written about BDSM since 2019, I still feel like a baby in this space. There is always more to learn, and admitting we don’t know it all is what opens the door to true knowing.
The Hip Release: Moving Stagnant Energy
Many of us with wombs hold years of stress, trauma, and repressed emotions in our lower bodies. Sobonfu talks about sensual dancing as a way of unblocking these energies.
On the podcast, I shared a story about getting a massage recently where work on my hip area caused a total somatic release. I wasn’t sad or in pain, but I started boohoo crying and then shaking. That was my nervous system and vagus nerve trying to come back to equilibrium. If you aren’t dancing, stretching, or moving, that energy just sits there. We have to move the body to free the soul.
Reclaiming the Longing for the Sacred
Sobonfu suggests that modern culture’s hyper-fixation on sexual advertising is actually a misguided longing for the sacred. Behind every provocative billboard is a psyche crying out to reconnect with something that has the power to heal.
Intimacy is an alignment between the self and the sacred. Whether it’s a long-term partnership or a one-night stand, that connection—that fun, that silliness, that goofy moment when someone farts and you both laugh—is healing. It takes the pressure out of the “performance” and lets us be human.
Having sacred sex means stepping into the arena in a sovereign, fortified space, grounded in your own knowledge and body. It’s about building a foundation that allows us to manifest the life, the money, and the liberation we desire.
Chit-Chat with Me: Do you view your body as a shrine or an altar? Have you ever experienced a somatic release through movement or touch?
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